Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Royal Birth Plans

Since Kate Middleton has apparently formulated this great birth plan, I figured I could borrow it from her - with a few minor adjustments, of course... because why shouldn't I give birth like a queen?! 



1. The ROYAL HUSBAND will make the world aware when  Queen Christina goes into labor.
The media will be alerted once Christina is settled in her hospital room.

2. Queen Christina will head to the private birthing center of the local women's hospital.
 That is the same hospital where every single person in the state, rich or poor, was born. (Be careful in that parking lot at night!!!)

3. The Queen won't just have one midwife. Please. 
She and Royal Fetus will be attended to by how ever many people it takes to calm her massive anxiety, make sure she gets food when she asks for it, and backup just in case she decides someone will have to laser that baby out because nobody’s cutting into her thank you very much.

4. KING J plans to be present at the birth. 
Unless he is really, really tied up with an emergency at work, in which case he won’t be able to attend because Queen Christina would have royally murdered him.

4a. Queen Christina plans to give birth naturally. 
Unless she changes her mind in which case someone better pump those drugs into her STAT! 

5. She shall have privacy. 
…if you can consider a room with nurses and doctors and fifty thousand visitors around while you’re bleeding and fainting when you go to the bathroom private…  

6. Queen Christina and King J will know the sex of the baby at the soonest possible moment. 
Because if they didn't, the queen would go crazy. 

7. The official announcement of the birth will be amazingly straight-up old-school Facebook style, with a dash of Twitter and text messages thrown in. 
Everyone knows that nothing really happens unless it happens on Facebook. 

8. Everyone will freak the eff out. 

9. Meanwhile, Queen Christina will be ordering a glass of champagne from the Royal Husband, who best be bringing a bottle of Asti and some toasting glasses. 

10. We might not know the baby's name yet. 
HAHA – just kidding! EVERYONE will know the baby’s name because it will be plastered all over his or her nursery! 

11. Royal VIPs will visit. 
Especially the Royal Pains in the Butts who will all talk my head off when I just wanna snuggle with baby!

12. The Royal Husband will not take a paternity leave because the Royal family is kind of in the red. 
…so you’d better hope the baby is born on a weekend! 

13. They'll all live happily ever after, and we'll have absolutely nothing to look forward to in life-until the first photo.

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